Don’t be scared.

It is the fading sight; darkness surrounding light. That which you can see and know and clearly make sense of, being consumed by the unknown; shadows. This is what freaks me out. This is what makes me loose my breath. 

I am, in these moments, overtaken by fear. Sinking into the quick sand of my imagination. It clicks on with bright lights and loud instruments, like a boisterous carnival ride, in a mysterious dream. My imagination locks me in a seat on its spinning ferris wheel, and my self control leaves me - my insides run loose conjuring up feelings and emotions and thoughts that belittle me. 

These are my testing moments. The moments that I run from. Yes, the times when my confidence exist no more. My body trembles, insanely. Perspiration soaks my skin. I want everything to stop. My heart, my brain. 

I have run away from this moment so many times. As a child, through isolation.  As a pre/teen, in a taxi cab, through faint spells, substances, and pride. As a young adult, through my own wisdom drenched in fear. And now, still tempted by the habits of the past, wrecked by working out the choice, not to slip into the old way but to wait and sit and wait. Allowing the emotions to rage up like an erupting volcano, to come out and settle as a new layer of maturity and life. 

It would not be a lie to say the three years since leaving college have been the first years of my life to face my emotions. Letting them be sticky and loud and mean and painful and crippling. And in this, seeing them for what they truly are, fleeting. Here a day, gone a day. Not worthy of me running away in fear, being chased by them in every encounter with others, situations, and the hard or new things of living. 

So yesterday, when my baby brother lay motionless on the sidelines of the football field, across the country, the carnival music wound up in the world of my imagination. The anxiety of being trapped on the roller coaster ride - in the dark about his status, for any longer than one minute, felt like to much too carry. It was time to hide, scream, cry, fuss, cuss, be very angry and very lost.

But I finally understood in this moment that I could not control - not doing anything but wait- and what I understand more now… the broken things in this world are not my burdens to carry or fix. Though there will be times when I do, by grace given, have the opportunity to step in and intercede with patience, love and strength, but most of the time I am in just the right place to close my eyes, be still, and trust the Maker of all these things. 

Because across the world, by grace given, and in it’s given time each one is summoned for their opportunity to intercede with their abilities. This is the clockwork of our world and our universe. The Maker, with his tools and with his will, working all things out. Working through all of us and all things. Because he is good. 

So I don’t have to be scared. Though the days can take almost every breath away. And empty. And bring about shadows and thick fog. While my emotions stop me in my track and make my feet like cement. When I want nothing more but to cower in fear, afraid to face what lies beyond the darkness, I pray that I will know I am lifted, that I will rise. Made to overcome the world.